Couples therapist in York

UKCP-accredited couples therapy for York couples — in person in Otley, online on Zoom, and Saturday mornings in Harrogate. Specialist help with conflict, broken trust and affair recovery.

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As seen in

As featured in The Guardian, BBC, Stylist and Metro.co.uk, Shan Merchant is a UKCP-accredited couples therapist working with couples in York and across North Yorkshire — in person in Otley and online via Zoom.

Many of the couples I work with are thoughtful, high-functioning people whose relationship looks "fine" from the outside – but no longer feels safe, connected or sustainable on the inside.

This work is about restoring emotional safety, rebuilding trust, and helping you decide – with clarity – how to move forward together.

When you've run out of ways to fix it yourselves

By the time couples from York get in touch, most have already tried the obvious things: the long talks after the children are in bed, the weekends away, the promises to do better. None of it has held. That isn't a sign you're failing. It usually means you're stuck in a pattern neither of you can see from the inside.

Couples often come to me when:

Every disagreement turns into the same row, just about a different subject

•One of you wants to talk it through and the other goes quiet or leaves the room
•Criticism, sarcasm or name-calling has crept in
•Sex has become rare, awkward or stopped altogether
•You run the house and the diary well together, but feel little closeness
•You've found messages, an affair or a secret, and the ground has gone from under you
•Work pressure, money or parenting has pushed the relationship to the bottom of the list
•A bereavement, illness or other big loss has left you grieving in separate rooms
•You're quietly asking yourselves whether this can ever feel good again

Trying harder at the same conversation rarely changes it. What helps is someone who can slow things down, keep it safe for both of you and show you a different way through.

How Imago changes the conversation

In Imago sessions, one of you speaks while the other listens and reflects back what they've heard, before saying how it makes sense and what it might feel like. Then you swap. It sounds simple. In practice, it stops the interrupting, defending and point-scoring that keep couples going round in circles.

I don't sit back while you argue. I step in, guide the conversation and help you say the difficult things in a way your partner can actually hear. Over time, couples tell me they notice:

Rows that calm down sooner

•Being able to make up properly afterwards
•Feeling listened to, even when you disagree
•Making decisions together instead of against each other
•A sense that you're on the same side again

What we work on together

Every couple is different, so the work is shaped around what has brought you to me. Often that includes:

Understanding the pattern you keep getting caught in, and what drives it

•Noticing the moment a conversation starts to go wrong, and doing something different
•Talking about hurt without blaming or shutting down
•Rebuilding trust through what you do, week after week
•Repairing after difficult moments instead of moving on as if nothing happened
•Finding your way back to warmth, affection and intimacy

Seeing couples from York

Many of the couples I work with travel from York to see me in person. My room is in Otley, within easy reach of York, and I also see couples on Saturday mornings in Harrogate. If travelling doesn't suit you, online sessions on Zoom run on weekday daytimes and evenings, and are just as deep and effective as meeting in person.

Sessions are £195 for 90 minutes. The longer session gives you time to get past the surface and have a real conversation, rather than stopping just as things open up.

Frequently Asked Questions

Yes. I see couples in person in Otley on weekday daytimes, and many couples travel to me from York. I also see some couples on Saturday mornings in Harrogate. If getting to either is difficult, we can work online on Zoom during the day or in the evening.

Your first 90-minute session is a thorough consultation. I'll ask about your history together, what has brought you to therapy now and what each of you hopes will change. After that, sessions are active and guided: I help you have the conversations that usually go wrong at home, step in when old patterns take over and give you ways to keep practising between sessions.

Imago Dialogue is a way of talking where one partner speaks and the other mirrors back what they heard, says how it makes sense and imagines how it feels. Taking turns like this lowers defensiveness, so you can talk about painful subjects without the conversation turning into a fight.

Yes. Affair recovery is a specialist part of my work. We focus on stabilising what has happened, rebuilding honesty and emotional safety, and understanding what repair would require rather than rushing you towards forgiveness or reconciliation.

Couples see me either weekly or fortnightly. If things are very hard at home, or you've just discovered an affair, we meet weekly to help stabilise things. If things are calmer, we usually start with a couple of weekly sessions and then move to fortnightly. Couples who want to work faster can choose to keep coming weekly.

Sessions are £195 for 90 minutes, online or in person. The free 15-minute call is a chance to briefly tell me what's happening, ask questions and see whether the way I work feels right for the two of you — with no obligation.

Yes. Although I originally preferred working in person, moving my practice online showed me that this work can be just as deep and effective on Zoom. Many couples from York and further afield work with me this way.