My partner once called me hostile.She was right.
I'm Shan Merchant, a UKCP-accredited couples therapist specialising in affair recovery, in Otley, Yorkshire and online.
It was our first Imago workshop, Getting the Love You Want. Somewhere between the exercises, my partner described me as hostile.
I was shocked. I'd always thought of myself as a kind person. But there it was, said out loud, in a room full of strangers. I had to face a question I didn't want to ask: who had I become in this relationship?
The honest answer was someone I didn't like very much. I had become very resentful. I kept score. Quick to see her faults, slow to see mine.
Maybe you're asking a version of that question now.
An affair. The same fight on repeat. Lying next to each other at night and still feeling lonely.
I know what it's like not to recognise yourself in your own relationship. Time didn't fix it, and neither did hoping. What fixed it was work, done with intention. Slowly the hostility softened into appreciation, generosity and warmth. Now there's celebration, joy and a lot of fun.
I'm not here as someone who got it all right. I'm here as someone who keeps asking, “How can I make myself easy to love?”
I'm an experienced couples therapist with a specialist interest in affair recovery
I'm a UKCP couples counsellor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist with over 16 years of clinical experience.
I specialise in helping couples recover from affairs, rebuild trust and transform relationships that have become stuck in painful patterns of conflict and disconnection.
What to expect when you sit in the room with me
I'm a warm, empathetic therapist, but I'm also active, engaged and direct.
I won't sit quietly while you have the same arguments in my therapy room that you've been having at home for years.
I'll help you understand:
- the patterns that keep you stuck
- what's happening underneath your reactions, and
- how you're each contributing to the dynamic between you.
Sometimes I'll interrupt you. Sometimes I'll challenge you. And I'll help you have conversations that may have felt impossible before.
But understanding why you behave the way you do is only part of the work.
Real transformation happens when you begin doing things differently with each other.
I want you both to develop the awareness, skills and courage to create the relationship you actually want — not just in our sessions, but in your everyday lives.
And ultimately, I want you to be able to do it without me. The goal isn't to keep you in therapy — it's to give you the skills to keep growing together long after our sessions end.
From Power Struggle to Peaceful Couple
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If your relationship is characterised by fighting, blaming, bickering, silences, distractions, and even threats to leave or an affair, don't give up hope and don't settle. Read my book to understand what's really going on and what to do to get things back on track.
Coming SoonThe therapeutic approaches behind my work
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago is at the heart of my work. It gives you a clear structure for listening to each other, rather than preparing your next defence. You learn to hear your partner's experience without losing sight of your own. It combines deep emotional work with practical tools you can use at home.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT)
I'm currently undertaking training in Relational Life Therapy, developed by Terry Real. RLT brings an emphasis on personal accountability, relational maturity and learning to respond from our wiser, more grounded adult selves rather than our automatic defensive reactions. It complements my Imago work by focusing not only on understanding our patterns, but also on taking responsibility for changing them.
Psychosynthesis Psychotherapy
I trained for ten years at the Institute of Psychosynthesis in London, which deeply shaped how I see life and relationships. Psychosynthesis brings a spiritual perspective to life — looking beyond our everyday struggles to the bigger questions of meaning, purpose and who we want to become. I'm interested in how we find meaning in suffering, grow through life's challenges and live with more depth, awareness and love.
I've experienced the power of this work myself
Our own relationship was in serious difficulty when we found Imago. We had two young children, were caught in painful patterns and had begun to see each other as the enemy.
We learned to listen instead of defend, and to take responsibility for the ways we were hurting one another. These are tools I still use in my own relationship.
It wasn't about returning to the relationship we'd had before. It was about creating a more mature, conscious and loving relationship.
That experience was so significant that I went on to train as an Imago couples therapist myself.
I know from both sides of the therapy room how challenging this work can be — and how transformative.
I've sat where you're sitting.
I've been the partner who was left, and the partner who had to change.
I married at 26 and divorced at 29. We couldn't talk about what we needed, and eventually he went outside the relationship. The affair ended us. But I've never believed it started there — it started in all the things we couldn't say to each other.
As a bisexual woman, I've had long-term relationships with men, and for 17 years I've been with my female partner. Whoever you love, you'll be understood here.
My partner and daughter are autistic. Living in a neurodiverse family has taught me that what's obvious to one person can land entirely differently for another — and how much damage comes from assuming we all think the same way. In my consulting room, I don't assume. I ask.
Wondering if I'm the right therapist for you?
BOOK A FREE 15-MINUTE CALLWhy I became a couples therapist
I've always wanted depth in my relationships: to really know someone and feel known by them. That is what drew me to couples work — the difference between sharing a life and feeling genuinely close within it.
You may still love each other and yet feel lonely, misunderstood or unable to reach one another. For me, couples therapy is about helping you bridge that gap, not just explaining how it happened.
Why I specialise in affair recovery
I'm interested in what it takes to sustain love, intimacy and honesty over many years. That includes monogamous relationships and couples who've agreed on something different. Whatever your relationship looks like, breaking that agreement can be devastating.
If your world has been shattered by an affair, you need someone who won't flinch from it. I've sat with many couples in the rawest days after discovery — the rage, the grief, the questions that come at 3am. I don't rush any of it.
After discovering an affair, your world can feel shattered. You may need answers while your partner wants to move on. I make room for the hurt and the difficult questions, without rushing you towards forgiveness or a decision about staying together.
Understanding an affair is not excusing it. Responsibility stays with the person who chose it. My role is to help you face what happened honestly and decide whether, and how, you want to rebuild trust together.
My experience and qualifications
I have over 16 years' clinical experience and have worked with clients in the UK and internationally.
I was born in Sydney, raised in Auckland, New Zealand, and have had private therapy practices in London, Ibiza and Yorkshire. Thanks to the wonders of Zoom, today I'm able to work with couples in person in Otley and Harrogate, as well as online, with couples anywhere in the world – from California to Auckland.
My qualifications include:
- UKCP Accredited Couples Counsellor (UK Council for Psychotherapy)
- Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist
- Relational Life Therapy (RLT) training with Terry Real
- MA in Psychosynthesis Psychology
- Postgraduate Diploma in Psychotherapeutic Counselling
- BSc in Genetics and Biochemistry
Shan Merchant in the media: Expert insights from a couples counsellor
My work as a couples therapist and relationship specialist has been featured by the BBC, LA Weekly and Brainz Magazine, and I've been quoted as a relationship expert in The Guardian, Stylist, Vogue, Metro, Happiful and Wed Magazine, as well as in podcast interviews exploring what it really takes to build a strong, lasting relationship.
From reviewing the BBC's ‘Couples Therapy' series on ‘Points of View' to discussing why couples get stuck in destructive power struggles, I share practical insights into relationship conflict, emotional connection and the work involved in creating lasting change.
These conversations reflect what I'm passionate about: helping you understand the patterns keeping you stuck, face the difficult conversations you've been avoiding, and build a relationship that works for both of you.
BBC Points of View — Reviewing couples therapy
I was invited by the BBC to review Series 4 of Couples Therapy on Points of View, exploring the vulnerability, difficult conversations and emotional work involved in real couples therapy.
Watch my BBC appearance on iPlayer
LA Weekly — 10 dating and relationship experts to watch
In my LA Weekly interview, I discuss why couples therapy can be so challenging, what brings couples to therapy and how unresolved power struggles can prevent you from experiencing the connection and commitment you want.
Read my LA Weekly interview
Brainz Magazine — Valentine's cover story
I spoke with Brainz Magazine about why so many relationships become stuck in painful patterns, what the Power Struggle stage means and why understanding it can change the direction of your relationship.
Read my Brainz Magazine feature
Podcast — How a loving relationship can transform your life
In this conversation, I explore how the quality of your intimate relationship can influence your emotional wellbeing, career, physical health and sense of purpose.
Listen to my relationship podcast interview on SpotifyQuoted as a relationship expert
My advice on rebuilding trust after betrayal, and whether a relationship can survive an affair. Read it
On whether to tell someone their partner is cheating, and the fallout when you do. Read it
On dating-app fatigue, and why coming across as 'incredibly boring' can work in your favour. Read it
On why more people in their 30s are seeing a sex therapist. Read it
On the rise of obsessive relationship testing. Read it
In print.
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How I can help you
Tell me a little about what's happening between you. I'll listen, answer your questions, explain how I work and tell you honestly whether I can help. Ideally, you'll both join the free 15-minute call. It isn't therapy, and there's no obligation to book.
BOOK A FREE 15-MINUTE CALL